I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
