Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
