"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
