I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Never joke about your clitoris.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
