just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
