there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
