When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
