Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
