She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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