Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
