They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
