Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
