I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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