i may or may not be watching the land before time
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This baby is an asshole
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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