I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
