Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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