Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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