I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
