dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
