Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize