Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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