um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
