he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
