i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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