I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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