Is it because I queefed?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
