Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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