I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
