Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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