Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
