Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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