I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize