So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
