there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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