I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
