i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
