my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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