I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
