Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
