someone threw a dead crab at me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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