no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
