I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
