You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
