Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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