Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
