I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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