I skipped work to stalk him.
my being single is dangerous.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
