battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
