Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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