Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
