Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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