Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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