My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
