don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
