I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
