How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
