I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
3 2 1 whiskey
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
