I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
