I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
