I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
