I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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