i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just pee around me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
