Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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