It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
